Bitches be like postmix lemonade
when someone asks me an unpleasant question
"You should smile more!"
"You look tired!"
"Are you really going to eat all that?"
Is it that time of month?
"You’re just being dramatic"
"You have terrible taste"
"Just exercise and eat less!"
"Thats really slutty"
This is Chester. When I was in Afghanistan I got a care package from one of those “Adopt a Soldier” programs that lets families send care packages to service men and women who are deployed overseas. Anyway, I got this care package, and it came with the usual stuff: Baby wipes, crackers, peanut butter, the Dad threw in a pack of cigarettes, and there was some jerky. But there was also a little beanie baby gold fish and a hand written note from a 7 year old girl that said
“Dear Soldier, (I wasn’t even mad)
I hope you are doing well. I’m sorry you have to miss thanksgiving with your family. This is my friend Chester. He keeps me safe from monsters, but I think you need him more than I do. I hope he keeps you safe from the monsters you’re fighting. Take good care of him for me”.
You bet your ass that little fish was in my pocket every time I went on patrol.
when you fake sick and everyones like “yeah you look really terrible”
Russell Brand and Noel Fielding everybody